Monday, September 26, 2011

Today is Just as Good as Any other Day.

Well I had a really interesting weekend, long story short a friend and I almost got shot! I cant stand seeing people so blind due to hate and other falsehood. Anyways, today I took two history tests to which I half-assed studied because this weekend was just filled with good distractions. I am damn sure that this is what I needed in my life; these people, these feelings, these emotions, the truths, the lies, the good and the bad. I always told HER that it wasn't until she came into my life that I really started to live and experience and it is true. I know there might be lots of people that lie about many things but I consider myself as honest as I can if someone asks me something; I will not lie. I have, for a long time, quit lying.

Anyways, today I decided to wait for HER because I wanted to see her; I wanted to feel this connection we both agree we have. Lately, ive confessed to her my attraction to her and it is honest and sincere. I used to be scared to show how I felt towards her but not anymore, I try to give myself to her with nothing in return.

I constantly have the struggle of wanting more, of wanting to be selfish, of wanting to impose myself on others, of wanting to own others. But I have learned fast that these feelings are not healthy for one and neither are they true love.

Today, we talked for a while, I got to spend some quality time with her.Today I did not fear looking into her eyes I was honest as I could today with her UNTIL the conversation steered into slavery and love. I was caught off guard and the words rushed before they could be said and nothing came out. I promised I would write about the subject and I really hope she reads this and tries to see what I see. This will be long so I will write about the subject tomorrow!

But before going into the subject lets keep talking about this woman. I call her my muse I like to refer to her as the one who opened the pandora box that is my life. Today I got to see her, I got to feel her, I got to talk to her; I got to live with her. I was on laying on the floor because I feel so comfortable around her now, I wanted her to join me on the floor but I guess she didnt want to. I could notice something peculiar about today, I could tell that maybe you didnt feel as beautiful as other days. I could tell you felt a little insecure about yourself, these past few days and today; the theory was reinforced. But understand that I dont ever judge people, especially you. Experience has taught me that when one tries to judge a person by their acts, words, beliefs, and everything else; you try to decipher that person. You dont let that someone live, in the sense that when one makes a judgement upon what he or she sees, the "judged" has now been read and done. That person which you have barely met and confided in has now been "killed" and set aside as another everyday person with no way of appearing as anything else. I dont do that with people, not anymore. I examine people but I do not make final conclusions at all; I see every interaction with that person as a new side of them, not as the same as before. Now where the fuck was I? Oh yes! You!

Today you said you felt "bitchy", you said the world did not feel "right". I wish I could have been of use to maybe tilt your world upright. I wonder what made you feel like this? All the time we talked; me on the floor and you up there eating that "delicious" fruit with cheese, crackers and nuts, I paid close attention to you like none before. I honestly think I noticed every inch of you. I saw your shoes, untied of course, maybe I should have tied them for you? Your jeans, how nicely they hugged your figure. I noticed your keys hanging from the loop of your belt. I noticed when you got up to throw away the empty bowl your shirt went up a little. I noticed your shirt was sky blue, maybe it was tie-dyed? At that moment I thought I would get a glimpse of your piercing but you were quicker than my thought to pull down your hoodie and shirt. I paid attention to your hoodie, why wear a hoodie in such a hot day? Maybe you were trying to cover something up, maybe you felt "cold" there are days when even the hottest sun in the sky will not make us feel warm. All while we talked! Next I noticed your hands, so small and white; your finger nails so nicely done. At times I found myself wanting to hold your hand never had I wanted to hold someone's hand. I noticed your backpack, you looked so "nerdy" with it. I then noticed your face I discovered many new things here. Your chin is somewhat sharp, not really square. You have beautiful lips, so red, so plump and proportionate; your teeth I noticed too, I didnt see your tongue however. Your nose, so proportionate too. Your cheeks, your smile; did you know that when you smile a little dimple on your left appears? You have beautiful skin all around, really. Your make up covered something you have been trying to hide, but not at me. I noticed your cute little scar under your eye, somewhere along the cheek. I again found myself in your green eyes, or are they blue sometimes? I dont know, im color-blind, and I cant tell sometimes. Your eyelashes were greatly done too and that glitter on your eyelids which seemed to melt down to the sides also looked beautiful. Your hair surprised me, I pictured it to be lighter and found it dark red; I like it! You have shorter hair now I think. I dont think I missed anything I can remember. And yet I think you dont feel beautiful. You are! And its not a damn cliche or something of the likes, you really are! I found myself looking into your eyes and I let you see me look into your eyes too. I want you to know you are beautiful and meaningful above all else. Your beauty could eventually fade away but what you are never goes away with time or life. Time passed and we shared ideas and experiences then you said you had to go to class. I was like "fuck! ok" So we walked to class talking about something and all I wanted to do was to have my arm around you but something didnt feel right so I flicked the hood of your hoodie and smiled. We arrived at your class and I hugged the wall to not fall because I wanted to lean on you but you were like five feet apart! We talked a little more before you went in but not before getting hug from you. For a moment I was going to say something while you were in my arms I thought I should get a breath of your scent but I didnt smell that perfume. Why werent you wearing that perfume? Why were you wearing a hoodie? Why was your world not "upright"? Why did the world not feel "right"? I dont know but I would like to know not because im curious but because I wish I could do something to help.

And that was today.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

:)

Today I learned one thing.
Live.
Cry.
Liberate from your-self.

Hoy aprendi algo.
Vive.
Llora.
Liberate de ti mismo.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Gotta Keep things Going

So here is a very old examination I did of a piece of poetry.


The Hymn of a Fat Woman
The poem by Joyce Huff, “The Hymn of a Fat Woman”, is an interesting poem if examined part by part. The poems six stanzas work together to convey a message that only in that order would work. The first stanza works as an introduction to the story; it makes an interesting observation. The second stanza and the third further develop and support the claim that is stated. The stanzas that follow are used to back up her claim, they further explain her claims. “The Hymn of Fat Woman” is a poem that is loaded with controversy; it is not a simple poem that alludes to many biblical passages. Huff makes the daring claim that fat people; women in particular, break the standard for what we claim to know as normal. What is normal to us is prescribed everyday by not only the media, but also by society which is supported by our religious icons.
“All of the saints starved themselves
Not a single fat one
The words ‘deity’ and ‘diet’ must have come from the same
Latin root.” (Huff lines 1-4.)
The author makes a statement that all saints are always thin. If one actually thinks about it, this statement can be seen as true. The question then becomes, how so? And why is this in any way pertinent to the title? Huff seems to be trying to prove something that is evident in today’s society. Saints are typically the most venerated and respected holy figures right after God. They are figures that represent love and worship, figures of ultimate good. There are no fat saints, as she said; it is as if in order to be a saint a qualification is to be skinny. A bit of humor then instills when she uses the play on words of the words “deity” and “diet”. Ultimately, the goal of this stanza is to set plant the seed of doubt. Huff gets the readers to question “Why really is it that all saints are thin? And if taken the joke seriously, “Really, how similar do those words sound?” In the following stanzas Huff, guides us to think more about the subject of physical complexity and its constant use to represent ultimate good and beauty.
“Those saints must have been thin as knucklebones
or shards of stained
glass or Christ carved
on his cross” (Huff lines 5-8.)
The choice of words such as “thin as knucklebones” brings to the readers mind the image of a skeleton-like individual. Huff, still continues on the observation that all saints coincidentally are all skin and bones. The imagery that is used to describe these saints as shards of stained glass corresponds with the whole “holy” ideal. These saints, the thin-starved saints are all fragments of glass that ultimately correspond to the image of a Christian church; its glass-stained windows. In this church, the symbol of Christ, the cross is the main theme. Christ’s symbol, the cross, is a universal sign for the religion. Huff, again, compares the thinness of the saints to the thin shards of glass as well as the complexity of Christ carved on his cross. This stanza helps the readers visualize and relate to the idea of being thin such as the widely recognized Christ on the cross. Stanza three contains more visual images that appeal to the idea of saints and its physical complexity. “Hard as pew seats/ Brittle as hair shirts” (Huff lines 9-11.) Still, with the image of the church Huff further constructs on the picture of the religious and what it represents. By describing the thin saints as hard as pew seats, one can almost picture these saints entirely made of pew seats. Pew seats are of a material so hard, yet brittle and with a weekly old smell that is almost familiar. Pew seats if you have ever been to a church are very distinct, and are an article of use in a place in which everything is of holy use, the seats are the only things that have no sort of holy value. The brittle hair shirts were shirts made entirely of hair that were made to be worn by people who were in the idea of penitence. These images; the pew seats, the hair shirts are necessary to instill the image of discomfort. This distinct image of discomfort so accessible to the reader, the choice of words lets the readers understand that somehow being thin is something displeasing. Huff then narrows down the subject at examination; women’s role in religion and the norms they must abide to which is written by the scriptures.
“Women made from bone,/like the ribs that protrude from his wasted wooden chest./Women consumed by fervor” (Huff 11-14.) Huff seems to try and explain that women themselves are made from skin and bones. Like a clay model, women have been shaped from the bone that was taken out of Adams rib. Having no other choice but to obey to the shape that they were molded into, women must be seemed normally thin. Religion, now enforces the idea that women must be seen naturally thin; that to be thin is normal. The “ribs that protrude from his wasted wooden chest” which Huff mentions could possibly be the ribs of the Christ carved on the cross. Huff reminds us again that according to Genesis, women are made out of the ribs of man. The cross is for always a constant reminder of what beauty and good is; the physical attribute although sometimes looked over is very influential. Huff, in the last sentence of the third stanza and in the fourth stanza digs deeper into the role of women and faith as well as the physical requirements.
“Women consumed by fervor” is a statement that is surrounded by controversy. She talks about women who are consumed by extreme passion towards Christ. And who hasn’t seen this? They are everywhere, extreme fanatics who take to heart what the scriptures say, women who follow the role of the obedient women. Again, Huff mocks the way that women are trained to live as things and not living beings. They are made to follow the rules that are set by religion and society. In stanza three this same mockery and observation continues.
“They must have been able to walk three or four abreast
down that straight and oh-so-narrow path
They must have slipped with ease through the eye
of the needle, leaving the weighty
camels stranded at the city gate.” (Huff lines 15-19.)
Huff takes on a Biblical story approach to mocking how women might act in those times. She sees those same thin “Crazy” women being able to walk three or maybe even four side by side down a straight narrow path. The path that she seems to be talking about is. She uses the Bible verse of Matthew 19:24, “And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” Huff uses this bible verse to show that these woman, supposedly free of sin and skinny would be able to walk in the city three or four abreast. She makes it seem so easy for these skinny women to walk into the city in which only sin-free people walk in. They would leave the fat camels at the entrance and simply walk in the glamorous city. Within this city only skinny beautiful women would walk around happily. However, Huff being a fat woman herself, feeling like the “odd-apple” she does not see herself amongst the paradise city. In the last two stanzas of this poem she makes her point clear.
Huff continues to use biblical references to make a strong ironic point.
“Within the spare city’s walls
I do not think I would find anyone like me
I imagine I will find my kind outside
lolling in the garden
munching on the apples.” (Huff lines 20-24.)
This city, the “Kingdom of God” is heaven for Christians, this place, Huff argues, would be inaccessible to her kind. Fat folks like her would not be able to pass the gates, being so small as a needle eye, as well as being a place for non-sinners. The sin that is apparently keeping them out is gluttony, and perhaps its not only sins that keep her kind out; it is that they do not meet the requirements. Inside the city there is only thin individuals, it seems that Huff tries to argue that these “saints”, some not sin-free, are capable of accessing the city because of their physique. Ultimately, not being thin, is the biggest sin that fat people have; therefore they cannot and will never gain saint-hood. Her kind would in fact do more sinning in the eyes of the religious. Her kind would be in the Garden of Eden and survive from the original sin; eating from the forbidden tree. Huff seems to laugh and defy the religions principles and rules; she no longer cares about such ridiculous ideas that ostracize her. She would much rather live happily and sinfully than die a hypocrite and unhappy. Huff’s poem at the end, is purely combative, she will not take any more of the rules and with her observations she proves so.
But her observations are far more than simple observations; they are truths that transcend into our society. What Huff is trying to make clear to the readers is that what we are doing is wrong. We have permitted religion to dominate and mandate our everyday lives, religion has gone so far as to telling us what beauty is. The images of what is holy, i.e. the saints, are our model of good along with the image of Christ on the cross. Religion, in this case Christianity is used to dominate lives. In Christianity the roles of women are clearly outlined, they must obey and conform. If they do not conform they are sinners and will face the consequences. To be fat is to be sinful. Huff points out these examples of how Christianity intrudes into our own personal life. Saints and Christ are made to look thin and beautiful only to make us feel different. We must look like them if we want to be “Saved” too; we must starve and be crucified in order to be saved. Fat people are the epitome of evil and sin; they are the exact opposite of what it is to be holy. The Hymn of a Fat Woman is the cry of a woman who no longer lets herself be classified as “Evil” by society or religion. Huff decided that her people, the fat, needed a hymn, an ode to their being. Because, if for being physically wrong means being morally and entirely wrong; then so be it, for there many of them. They will not be in the city; they will be enjoying themselves in the garden devouring all the food that is available. Huff creates a strong poem that makes the bells go off in the church. She starts with a serious claim, the follows it with a little humor to catch the audience. Then she goes on to describe the saints and Christ’s appearance, which then extends to the church setting. She pokes fun of those women who follow the norms of the church and society. Excludes herself from the herd to make her own species; a guilt-free happy pack. In overall, Huff’s poem is more than a poem; it is a Hymn like she titles it; a flag that is used to wave the freedom that is involved with her physique. For they, the fat ones, although not appealing to the standard are free of sin and have now cast the first stone.

Monday, July 18, 2011

"Green" Activism and its History

Green activism has been around for millions of years, it is second nature to the earth itself. To renew, to recycle, to rid of the old toxicicity and create new health. This nature, this behavior would then be adapted and copied by the inhabitants of said ecosystem. Why not? As it is only "natural". Our own bodies! The way our bodies operate, the organism is an ecological friendly and "Green" living example. From there on, after the many years and tribes flourished in this planet, many new behaviors were adapted. These behaviors were only "actions" copied from an "actor", the human only copies and modifies after the years but never creates! The constant travel and spread of these people and their behaviors allowed them and others to see their way of life. They, the people, with the nomadic style of life were able to see different behaviors and were able to imitate them and take them to where ever they moved. The people learned from their surroundings as to how to live in this new place, they quickly adapted to their surroundings, as it is only of human capacity to do so! As the tribes flourished behaviors spread, ideas came and went, the tribes would then later develop systems of trades, only copied this idea from nature. The people traded ways of life, they traded language, they traded ideas, and they shared what they knew! Living at peace with the one! Living according to the rules and limits of nature!
From these tribes, cultures and ethnicities originated, with a set of beliefs proven to be correct according to their habitat, for now they had settled and built a static "home". (This of course also copied from nature; a home) These tribes, over the years would prove and modify their beliefs, their behavior and would then use to them cal them truths and laws to which abide to. Still, they followed THE WAY, they were observants for many years and were able to identify THE WAY. In short, they lived true to their nature! They were "Green" as we would vulgarly say today! It is then, with this image in my mind that I question as to why the prostitution of our own nature? Why the commercialization of our own selves? Why must we sell and advertise who and what we are? Where did we go wrong? Surely, I might be incorrect in some of my logic but that is where YOU come in. Can you see this? Can you see the pattern, the way? Do you agree that the idea of being "Green" is nothing more than true nature to the human being? How did we lose this nature? Is this what they call Evolution? Adapting? What is making us come back to this primal instinct/behavior? Why now?