Morning, Me

I get like this sometimes. Where I battle between keeping a promise. The one promise that I really felt inclined to agree, the one promise that I believed in too. To not use a girl as just any other girl. She left me that and much more. I want to say that I do not know what love is, in order to justify a lot of things, but I feel as if it were. I feel as if what we had was a form of love, so simple. I sometimes wonder what it would have been if we had made love, if I had let myself completely go one of those nights. I wonder if things would have completely been different. If she would have still left me? I dont think so. I want to think she would not have. But then again, love makes you forget about these things. It makes you not think. It makes you not be smart about things. You see, people are actually easy to read, well at least most of them, or a side of them. And here is where it begins:

Meeting someone new is a complete adventure for me. It is a trial and error type of deal. I like to sort of "tip-toe around the egg shells" of their persona. It is a hit and miss kind of thing. You cant say the wrong things unless you intend to. You cant say the right things unless you need to. With that being said, love completely makes you dumb, it takes away the cold planning that is so carefully set. Well, at least in me it does. Lets take Breanna for example, my latest discovery. I met her at work. First time I met her was this day I had to give her a ride and she hopped in. She was good looking and I had seen her before this one time that we got the chance to talk. She is white, green eyes, light brown hair, and about as tall as I am (if not even a little more). I was really attracted to her physique from the moment I saw her around. I wanted to talk to her but there was never the chance, until that day. I went on to say a simple hello, followed with a series of questions about the day, (small-boring talk that usually is followed by witty remarks and smart questions). She was not that bright at all, she was very close minded from what I could tell, a complete "farm girl" if you will, a very good looking one if any. I then went on to show my dominance in an intellectual way, it was not very hard with her, she sat there, baffled, at the spill I was laying on her about life and this and that. Before she knew it, she was back to where she had to be and I told her, "Well, we are here and off you go!", with a smart smirk. She seemed nervous and to a point surprised and as she got off I repeated her name just I could not forget it and I gave her mine so she could do the same. And the days went on and we did not really talk, I let the girls she works with talk about me. The girls she works with, I too have made acquaintances with, and I have become sort of the "interesting guy". I had time with her, to really get to know her, just around a week or two ago. She was at perfect level, I was standing up and she, sat down on a chair, a perfect stance to make her feel smaller and I bigger than her. I did an act of kindness, and that is what put her at my disposition, from that point on she owed me. I found out she was my same age, and that in fact she was from a small town, she had played Volleyball all of her life (it did not surprise me because she had the physique). She asked a little about me and proceeded to talk more about her than any other time. It was as if she felt like she needed to confess to me, which is something people do a lot and I am content with that. She disclosed obvious information that she wanted to "have fun". I asked her if she was doing anything for today, when she got out, and at what time. She replied with a maybe, a coquettish maybe while maintaining eye contact. I didnt want to completely ask her to wait for me or something. She told me she had her own place, basically gave me her address. She wanted to know if I went out a lot, to bars and whatnot. This is where things got complicated a little. I didnt know what she wanted to hear, I may have over-thought about it. I basically said a "sometimes", that being in school so much and doing this and that was preoccupying, but when I did have the chance I did enjoy having fun. She felt comfortable with me already, something most people tend to do when I give them the space. Bree went on to give me insight as to what she thought, which to be honest, but not really rude about it, is really just not that important. She went on for minutes talking about a subject that she could tell was really not important for me, until it seemed I use an excuse to get away from her to which she then apologized for even speaking. She felt dumb and out of place, I wanted to make her feel better and safe but I really did have to go and did not have a chance. I could tell she liked me, I could tell she wanted "something". But I began to become really busy with other things and I never got the chance again to talk to her.
I thought about it that night, how much I had changed, not only mentally but physically.
I indeed had changed. I had matured physically and it gave me an interesting look, something that attracted certain type of women.

I am still waiting to find the chance and move on to the next step with Bree, to walk carefully around her persona. At this age and at this time in my life I feel as if loving that woman gave me a more of a conscience, something that I needed. I still find myself having feelings towards her, despite the things I have come to discover. I do not know if it is mere sexual attraction and it will go away if we ever made love, I dont feel like it is. I feel that if we did made love I would completely fall for her, hard, like get married kind of love. Time and circumstances have a way of prolonging your life the things that are not meant for the right occasion. I am thankful that I have met her, and perhaps I have been too cold with her and it is because I constantly battle this attraction I have to her.

Sometimes I am too kind. Sometimes, as you can see I am too cold and planning, perhaps even a little "evil". What can I say? I am just a human being, another specimen existing in the jungle trying to survive. I am young and I do not know any better, at times, only when it fits me.