Hey Reader and Friend

Hello! Its Tuesday morning and I woke up with the need of writing about her, because I realized I had been hiding these things. You might not come to realize it but we hide things from ourselves and others. Anyway, yesterday I wrote twice to let her see what is up in my mind. The last post I tried to cram in every single event that involves her since we met and it might read a little confusing and boring.

I just totally forgot what I wanted to write on this one.

Ok, maybe I should try to explain what I realize now that I look back. A part of me wanted to own her, to impose my law on her, to tell her dont do these things, to have her all the time for myself; these emotions are not cool at all! I see now that I was lying to what I believe in; had I not learn from Hegel about the Ubermunschen and about "using" people? Had I not learn about true freedom? Had I not studied and comprehended Buddha's teachings along with Confucius? What had Marx taught me about people? What had been of free will? And Voltaire? Aristotle? Locke? Hume? What about Abd-Ru-Shin and all the other people which we brand as Philosophers? I knew something was wrong because I did not feel free. Why couldnt I feel happy?

I had been trying for the longest time to own her and in doing so I was creating more conflict. I was confusing and people started to notice so. Why was I being so mean to these people who were only there? The "self" wanted to exterminate those in the way of "happiness". This part of me had turned me against my friends, it had made me imagine things that werent real. It was lying to me and I was lying to others. It was hurting me and I was hurting others. Maybe this will help?

I was everything of the self! I was destructive! And here I was! Living for twenty years like this! I was selfish, I did not want to share who I was with others; that was what held me back from being who I was. I was not living like I wanted; it was living how it wanted. I wanted to change! So a day when I felt the lonliest I got on the bike and walked the dog. That day I pedaled as fast as I could, it burnt my legs like crazy but I went past that, I rode the bike without grabbing onto the handle bars going up and down hills! Holy shit! How was I doing this? I wasnt scared of falling off, I would think about losing balance but didnt care! That self was telling me "Dont do it! You will fall!" But I said "Fuck You, I Wont Do What You Tell Me!" Somehow my shirt came off and I was riding with only shorts on and I felt liberated even more! I was no longer self-conscious of my body! That night I wanted to dance and feel free! I had killed a little bit of that which hated, that which was selfish, that which was unhappy. That was one night I had one the battle. Then he showed up again, for a little bit, but I again managed to murder that which was still left. After this, I truly felt "free". And it showed all around.

I was no longer scared of being David. I was freed of what held me back before! One night while watching Apocalypto I found and understood the concept of how much the self had power over a human being! The self was a magnet for negative things. All the negative emotions that destroy our lives were part of him and all of that became part of us!

So you see, the self is the enemy to destroy. I discovered the self and killed it before it killed me and others. With this I realized many other things that I had been doing wrong.
From there on I managed to detach my-self from her. The self no longer hurt me.
I truly had found freedom!
The weeks passed and life had been more enjoyable; it has been better! I find myself doing the things I like, saying the things I think to those I see, I am no longer scared to say what I want and do what I want. Rage Against the Machine was music to my soul as I started this new life. I was what I wanted, I was writing again, I was living now!
And I hadnt talked to her at all! I still had both of her poems; the good and the bad. That day I told her I would leave them in her mailbox and I did! She read them later on that day and  said she loved them. I felt happy that she had liked them and though of no more. I felt free of all negative thought. I lived easily now. I suppose that when I commited suicide my life changed. David was a person people liked now. It was evident that I had found who I was, that I was free, that I was happy. I found myself, how some would say, seducing women around me. I, of course, had not the slightest clue because its not like I was doing it on purpose. Women started to approach me, they became friendlier towards me; more physical. I paid attention to this but thought nothing more than "Its ok". I was happy and it showed.
So you see! Ive come a long way! I look back and realize that we humans are "limitless". This reminds me of a Bruce Lee annecdote.

Bruce had me up to three miles a day, really at a good pace. We’d run the the three miles in twenty-one or twenty-two minutes. Just under eight minutes a mile [Note: when running on his own in 1968, Lee would get his time down to six-and-a-half minutes per mile].

So this morning he said to me, “We’re going to go five.” I said, “Bruce, I can’t go five. I’m a helluva lot older than you are, and I can’t do give.”

He said,”When we get to three, we’ll shift gears and it’s only two more and you’ll do it.”

I said, “Okay, hell, I’ll go for it.”

So we get to three, we go into the fourth mile and I’m okay for three or four minutes, and then I really begin to give out. I’m tired, my heart’s pounding, I can’t go anymore so I say to him, “Bruce if I run any more,” – and we’re still running – “if I run any more I’m liable to have a heart attack and die.”

He said, “Then die.”

It made me so mad that I went the full five miles. Afterward I went to the shower and then I wanted to talk to him about it. I said, you know, “Why did you say that?”

He said, “Because you might as well be dead. Seriously, if you always put limits on what you can do, physical or anything else, it’ll spread over into the rest of your life. It’ll spread into your work, into your morality, into your entire being. There are no limits. There are plateaus, but you must not stay there, you must go beyond them. If it kills you, it kills you. A man must constantly exceed his level.”

There really are no limits if you think about it! Kill your-self and Live!

-I still have to write about Love and Slavery, I know!