Well I had a really interesting weekend, long story short a friend and I almost got shot! I cant stand seeing people so blind due to hate and other falsehood. Anyways, today I took two history tests to which I half-assed studied because this weekend was just filled with good distractions. I am damn sure that this is what I needed in my life; these people, these feelings, these emotions, the truths, the lies, the good and the bad. I always told HER that it wasn't until she came into my life that I really started to live and experience and it is true. I know there might be lots of people that lie about many things but I consider myself as honest as I can if someone asks me something; I will not lie. I have, for a long time, quit lying.
Anyways, today I decided to wait for HER because I wanted to see her; I wanted to feel this connection we both agree we have. Lately, ive confessed to her my attraction to her and it is honest and sincere. I used to be scared to show how I felt towards her but not anymore, I try to give myself to her with nothing in return.
I constantly have the struggle of wanting more, of wanting to be selfish, of wanting to impose myself on others, of wanting to own others. But I have learned fast that these feelings are not healthy for one and neither are they true love.
Today, we talked for a while, I got to spend some quality time with her.Today I did not fear looking into her eyes I was honest as I could today with her UNTIL the conversation steered into slavery and love. I was caught off guard and the words rushed before they could be said and nothing came out. I promised I would write about the subject and I really hope she reads this and tries to see what I see. This will be long so I will write about the subject tomorrow!
But before going into the subject lets keep talking about this woman. I call her my muse I like to refer to her as the one who opened the pandora box that is my life. Today I got to see her, I got to feel her, I got to talk to her; I got to live with her. I was on laying on the floor because I feel so comfortable around her now, I wanted her to join me on the floor but I guess she didnt want to. I could notice something peculiar about today, I could tell that maybe you didnt feel as beautiful as other days. I could tell you felt a little insecure about yourself, these past few days and today; the theory was reinforced. But understand that I dont ever judge people, especially you. Experience has taught me that when one tries to judge a person by their acts, words, beliefs, and everything else; you try to decipher that person. You dont let that someone live, in the sense that when one makes a judgement upon what he or she sees, the "judged" has now been read and done. That person which you have barely met and confided in has now been "killed" and set aside as another everyday person with no way of appearing as anything else. I dont do that with people, not anymore. I examine people but I do not make final conclusions at all; I see every interaction with that person as a new side of them, not as the same as before. Now where the fuck was I? Oh yes! You!
Today you said you felt "bitchy", you said the world did not feel "right". I wish I could have been of use to maybe tilt your world upright. I wonder what made you feel like this? All the time we talked; me on the floor and you up there eating that "delicious" fruit with cheese, crackers and nuts, I paid close attention to you like none before. I honestly think I noticed every inch of you. I saw your shoes, untied of course, maybe I should have tied them for you? Your jeans, how nicely they hugged your figure. I noticed your keys hanging from the loop of your belt. I noticed when you got up to throw away the empty bowl your shirt went up a little. I noticed your shirt was sky blue, maybe it was tie-dyed? At that moment I thought I would get a glimpse of your piercing but you were quicker than my thought to pull down your hoodie and shirt. I paid attention to your hoodie, why wear a hoodie in such a hot day? Maybe you were trying to cover something up, maybe you felt "cold" there are days when even the hottest sun in the sky will not make us feel warm. All while we talked! Next I noticed your hands, so small and white; your finger nails so nicely done. At times I found myself wanting to hold your hand never had I wanted to hold someone's hand. I noticed your backpack, you looked so "nerdy" with it. I then noticed your face I discovered many new things here. Your chin is somewhat sharp, not really square. You have beautiful lips, so red, so plump and proportionate; your teeth I noticed too, I didnt see your tongue however. Your nose, so proportionate too. Your cheeks, your smile; did you know that when you smile a little dimple on your left appears? You have beautiful skin all around, really. Your make up covered something you have been trying to hide, but not at me. I noticed your cute little scar under your eye, somewhere along the cheek. I again found myself in your green eyes, or are they blue sometimes? I dont know, im color-blind, and I cant tell sometimes. Your eyelashes were greatly done too and that glitter on your eyelids which seemed to melt down to the sides also looked beautiful. Your hair surprised me, I pictured it to be lighter and found it dark red; I like it! You have shorter hair now I think. I dont think I missed anything I can remember. And yet I think you dont feel beautiful. You are! And its not a damn cliche or something of the likes, you really are! I found myself looking into your eyes and I let you see me look into your eyes too. I want you to know you are beautiful and meaningful above all else. Your beauty could eventually fade away but what you are never goes away with time or life. Time passed and we shared ideas and experiences then you said you had to go to class. I was like "fuck! ok" So we walked to class talking about something and all I wanted to do was to have my arm around you but something didnt feel right so I flicked the hood of your hoodie and smiled. We arrived at your class and I hugged the wall to not fall because I wanted to lean on you but you were like five feet apart! We talked a little more before you went in but not before getting hug from you. For a moment I was going to say something while you were in my arms I thought I should get a breath of your scent but I didnt smell that perfume. Why werent you wearing that perfume? Why were you wearing a hoodie? Why was your world not "upright"? Why did the world not feel "right"? I dont know but I would like to know not because im curious but because I wish I could do something to help.
And that was today.
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